Willing to be Illuminated and Pierced

Posts tagged ‘waiting’

Midnight Dilemma

The bell has been rung for the fourtieth time

Not a noise or breath had moved behind the curtains

Even a spirit did not bother to see through the unclean glass windows

To see this poor vagabond waiting for attention
I feel like a jilted lover

Ready to croon a tired, broken song

Enduring the suspicious stares 

Of a weary neighbor and his blunt dog

My trustworthy travel bag

Was burdening upon my shoulder

Just like these heavy eyelids

Darkening in the low-lit streets
I’ve been counting the minutes

I cannot wait for the morning

Have mercy on this traveler

Who had toiled for a well-deserved rest
A click and a clang 

Mercy has heard my plea!

That poker face through the door 

Sent my heart skipping with glee

This home away from home

Has welcomed me again

With you, I will sleep in peace

And take my refuge in your walls again

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Never Letting Go Of the “One Thing”

Quiet TimeSunshine creeps into my room. Little birds called maya perch by my window to awaken me with their mischievous but sweet chirping. I breathe in the morning air despite having a stuffed nose, a daily sign of having allergic rhinitis.

Still, I sit up, meditate, and pray. When I open my Bible, revelation overflows, an encounter with God occurs. This is the One Thing I want to live up for. This is the One Thing I cannot trade with anything else with the world.

In this season of waiting, I am restored back to His presence and His intimacy. Like the psalmist in Psalm 27, I learned to pray: “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.” (verse 4).

I’ve lost this when I was working. I’ve been focused too much on the thrill of being a part of daily news events that I’ve lost focus on the God who is sovereign over these events. I forgot that there is more worth in His presence than being among congressmen and senators. I struggled with my daily prayer walk with God. I tried to seek him but ended up exhausted and stressed. But deep in my soul, I am thirsty; thirsty for the Living Waters that can refresh me.

Most of all, I was hungry for an intimate fellowship with the Lord.

The experience of encountering God was all I desire. To hear, see, and know Him was all I could ask for. After the moment I resigned from my job, my empty cup was filled to the brim. Day and night, I sought for His presence. For the first time after all these years, I stayed locked in my secret place to wait upon the Lord for hours. I never thought I could experience what I used to envy the routine great men of God were able to do.

All that four years of prestige, ambition, and achievement can never make up for that moment of staying in God’s presence. I felt that every reward this world has given me was nothing compared to the sweetness of intimacy with the Lord. Oh, I my dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.

But in all these, this waiting moment is my time to pray for the coming days. Oh, that God would guard my heart on the moment I return to the competitive world. Let me not make the same mistake of worrying as I wait for a new job. Let me keep on pushing in prayer, trusting in the Lord after I have done my part to apply for a new job. But, I pray that this fellowship would not stop the moment I go back to work. May it flourish not only in my life but in the life of many as well.

The blanket of darkness now hovers over my little village. Silence cloaks the dusty roads that were once invaded by the sound of playing children and roving motorcycles in the morning. Once again I am alone in my room, having nothing but my pen and notebook, my Bible, and myself. Come again the silence. Come again the longing heart. And upon my waiting, I hear His voice once again, breaking me into tears, tendering my heart to heart His heartbeat once more. This is the One Thing I am to live for. This is the One Thing that can never be compared to any other prestige in this world.

Little Respite, Big Blessings

It’s been a month since I’ve resigned from my job. There has been lesser thrills and even lesser frills. I would admit that I am already impatient to get into a new job. For the moment, I am looking at the blessings of having my “vacation mode”.

One my say that my decision to leave my job was foolishness. Perhaps. But the peace I gained when I decided to leave that company was a sign that it was time. This temporary respite from the competitive world is a season to rest and to prepare for the next season. It became my time of reflection; thinking of the new possibilities of facing another world.

Here are the simple, good things I’m experiencing in this respite:

1. Healthy living – In this brief season, I have found out how intoxicated I’ve become when I was working. I am a typical

Bananas, mangoes, and black rice...my everyday diet (",)

Bananas, mangoes, and black rice…my everyday diet (“,)

workaholic in an eight hour shift, not eating lunch until my work is done. I eat too much when I take a break – too much preservatives and fast food junk. But when I stayed at home, my mom would feed me with the more organic food such as *gasp* black rice. Yes, folks, better than the usual white rice than Filipinos consume everyday. It is richer in fibre and antioxidants. I even get to enjoy my morning banana and mango shake. Then I’d have apple mangoes and Indian mangoes straight from our trees. This is life, as one may call it.

Compared to when I was working, I could now get my eight hour sleep (add it with a five hour siesta if I don’t have much to do in this scorching heat at home). Before, I have been stressed even while I sleep. I had even dreamed my job every night – that is a nightmare for me! But it’s a good thing I don’t experience that now. My mom would tell me my eye bags slowly vanish. I don’t even have to compete for a bus ride home. I don’t experience the stress of waiting at the MRT queue for two hours anymore.

People noticed how I became thinner even though I’ve been staying quite so long at home. Perhaps, my metabolism became faster due to my healthier choice of meals.

2. Oh, the love of writing – Indeed, I could write again! I’ve been writing daily news articles and public announcements for four years, but not novels. I’ve had a gazillion stacked in my head. I’ve begun a few of them ten years ago without ever finishing them. When I got down to work and my fingers railed across the keyboards, I was stunned. I never thought it was difficult to write novels…much more the ones left a decade ago. They nearly wracked my brain as I polished them with details and events, twists and plots. It’s hard to put in words what have been circulating in your imagination. Now, I’m done and there are more waiting to lie down on the blank white pages of the Microsoft Word. The next step would be publishing. That’s what I have to worry soon.

One of my successful baking attempts: oatmeal cookies with Nutella filling

One of my successful baking attempts: oatmeal cookies with Nutella filling

3. Baking – Even though they end up as fudge bars, I will do my best to bake. It takes time, passion, and a hungry stomach. It’s fun, especially when your mom appreciates your baking.

4. Plans for studying – So as to make sure that cookies will end up as cookies and fudge bars as fudge bars, I need to learn and retrain. One day, it could become my business; I’m not planning to be an office girl forever. Another course I needed (I think) is to study English again…add that up with critical thinking using this language. I need retraining; this would be necessary for my next job.

5. More time to pray – The most important but the one I’ve missed most when I was in that company. Whenever I’d come home after work, I’d flop down on my bed without praying. I’d struggle to pray at times, leaving me with a five-minute, quick-dash, heartless prayer. But these times are different. I’d stay in my room for an hour or so just to have quiet times with God. With this, I am more strengthened and encouraged. We can’t go on the whole day without His presence. I realized how it is important to spend quiet times with God day and night, so that we can learn from His Word and listen to His voice. It also brings us closer to His heart. I’ve missed the day and night practice when I resigned from my first job, causing me to worry all the time. I’ve even missed this when I was working, causing me to be always stressed. I just pray that this prayer lifestyle would not change but flourish when I go back to work. I am still learning though. But now, I began to have deep peace. And this would only come through our daily fellowship with God.

Do I need to worry? I guess not. In all these things, I believe the Lord is in control. So, while waiting, I need to spend a lot of quality time with myself, my family, and the Lord. 🙂

Dear Little Lovesick Girl

For those who are still waiting for true love (like me!). But while waiting for “The One”, I have found my love in Christ. But how does He give His heart away? Here’s a poem that I wrote while I was in my desperation moment as I sulk in those “boyfriend-less” days:

Dear little lovesick girl
Why run away with many lovers
Who cared not to love you more
Stealing only the best from you
Like wolves ready to kill an innocent lamb

Dear little lovesick girl
Can you not wait for a moment to see
The one who truly loves
The prince who will save you from that battered tower
Whisking you away without asking for a price

Dear little lovesick girl
Will you not stay and hear my song
That I’ve written for you, only for you
A song that you can sing forever with me
As I dance with you, forever with you

Dear little lovesick girl
Do not let go of that broken heart
That was shattered and burned by thousands of lovers
Who wanted nothing but to destroy
The love is meant for the one

Dear little lovesick girl
I promise I’ll gently carry your broken heart
For I know how it is to be broken and torn apart
For you and your love I was mad enough to do such a part
Open your eyes and see the bruises and stained marks
Only I can give you a brand new heart
Filled with wonder and love I had reserved for you alone
I will not ask you to pay my price
Only stay with me and be my bride

Dear little lovesick girl
I’m madly in love with you, how could you miss that love?

The Wanderer and the Haunted

A poem for the waiting (while this correspondent was waiting for news the day before yesterday):

I silence the vision of you
So as not to daydream
In the pavement filled with dust
And rocks that lead to reality
No matter how I try to catch you
You run away, run away
Urging me to run after
Even if the chase has no price
Yet, let me ask one question
As I tread this pointless road
Would you still haunt me
Or should I ever see you again?

 

Fulfillment of My Coming Days

Help me not to count the months
As I wait for the end of a bond
Waiting patiently for a door to close
To move forward to a pasture untold

Let each week flow like a silver stream
Passing my fingers so gently
My eyes must never fall on the pebbles
So that I will not stumble on my knees so feeble

Such a burden of waiting be lifted
Soaring above the waves that have shifted
From expectations that never came
To a destiny that had me changed

Once the end of half a thousand days has come
I will see the fulfillment of a purpose
That I never imagined or expected in my life
But Christ perfected from the beginning of my life

My Love Story On the Way! <3

“How do you know you’re in love?” I asked an officemate while walking home.

“Well,” he said, “it has different takes on different people. Some may feel happy when you simply see or talk to the person you like…it varies…”

I only smiled. To be in love must be a crucial thing.

I’m happy for my friends who get into relationships. But there are times I’m tempted to be jealous. I used to hate to see lovers walking hand in hand in malls because they looked so corny. But now, I hated it because I’d secretly wish I’m like them, too.

For those who do not know, I never had a boyfriend since birth.

I’ve had crushes, of course. But the feeling of infatuation can be confused with love. I get attracted, but to handle one’s heart is another thing.

A lot of boys (and even men) would express how pretty I am, but are not really that serious. Because nobody had ever expressed (yet!) how serious one can be, I’d sometimes wonder what’s wrong with me.

Such is the longing to be loved. Perhaps, it would be heavenly to know that someone is excited to see me at the end of the day and share how he feels for me and holds my heart gently at the same time.

Deep inside of me, I swear that I will love this person with all my heart and take care of his heart, too.

Let me be a woman that he will honor, the flesh of his flesh and the bone of his bones.

May he become my strong right hand, my knight in shining armor who would not turn back when the dragon’s fire strike.

His desire be only be for me and my love be only be his.

I wonder…just wonder…how will this love change me as it would change him, too.

I’m so excited, but when I find I’m not yet at this stage, I feel desperate. Perhaps, just perhaps, he has not found me yet.

And I might not have heard of him yet.

Perhaps, he’s praying the same prayer as I do. And we’re just on the way to the intersection.

Perhaps, our hearts have not been unveiled before one another.

As my friend puts it, “You will never expect when to fall in love.” It’s amazing when lovers cherish their love, but what’s more amazing is how they cherish each other.

These people waited (though they are younger than me), prayed, and sought for God’s heart and their beloved’s heart.

They did not go for the sake of passion but pursued at God’s go signal.

They can balance their life’s aspect while handling a relationship. They know which one is worth and not. They may be different from their boyfriends or girlfriends and yet accept each other no matter how different they are.

This I saw it from my friends, and perhaps their season has come for me to see how the Lord blesses such relationships borne in purity and true love.

And He is writing my greatest romance testimony. I just can’t wait to see how it will go. 🙂

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