Willing to be Illuminated and Pierced

Posts tagged ‘utorrent’

Killing the False Ego

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel I’m losing my self-confidence. There are many times I don’t feel deserving as a reporter. I’m not as quick in wit nor as aggressive as the other reporters in Malacañang. And there are times when I ask a question, it’s not as hard-hitting as those from the others. The worse is that

What can I do? I don’t want to apathetic or numb. To much knowledge and information can be like stuffed bread that just stays in the mouth. It’s sickening. And I’m tired. I just want to be that same old happy-go-lucky girl that strums a song away. I really can’t believe myself as a reporter in the harsh world of politics. Yet, I want to be a Nazirite in such a place. Can’t I be a Nazirite in a mission field? Can’t I choose my place?

I guess this happy-go-lucky girl is just a false ego. The Lord must have been breaking something in me. The girl is now dying as circumstances are breaking her bones and her indifference. She hates it. But when she lives, the real self stays dead. I still have not known my real self. But I believe that the Lord wants to change something in me to bring out the real me. Only one must remain.

It’s just up to me to see who I wish to retain. May I be willing to kill the cocoon so the butterfly can come out.

Searching for the Wilderness

I need to find my wilderness…I need to empty myself once again…

I enjoy where I am at the moment. Oh yes, the excitement of gathering news and writing stories and the chance of meeting and talking with popular people always had me look forward to something everyday. But then, as I checked my heart, I can feel I’m missing something.

My Father’s heart…

I can’t feel His hearbeat. I can’t hear what He wanted to say. Oh, I can’t feel His presence. I feel like a stranger. But no matter how I yearn to come close to Him, indeed the flesh is weak…I wander away sleeping…

And yet I want to be a forerunner…

My mother kept on telling me by quoting Haavard Sands in his book The Bridal Generation, “You have to find your own wilderness. You can only hear what God wants you to be in such a place. You want to be a forerunner? How can you be one if you don’t find your wilderness?”

I knew of these things. I’ve got them stuck in my head knowledge. But, that is not enough.

I need fresh revelations from the Lord.

But I need to get away.

I was planning to go find my wilderness after the Empowered 21 Congress at Indonesia. I am planning to stay for three days in a prayer mountain…no friends, no cellphone, no news, and no mom to wash my clothes and cook for me…just my Bible, Habakkuk (my beloved guitar), me, and my Daddy God.

But I have to gather the courage and the passion to do that.

Oh, I need You, Daddy, so much

games, utorrent

youtube downloader, utorrent

Raised Within Realms of Influence

It’s the first time I’ve witnessed an oath-taking ceremony of newly-appointed government officials in Malacañang itself this Monday. After the President lead the ceremony, he would pose with these officials along with their families for posterity’s sake. But all these are too common for me, as it goes like any event in the palace. What caught my eye were the little kids that were brought along for the oath-taking event. As family members of these officers, they were given an opportunity to take a pic – and a memory of standing close to the President of the Philippines. After the photo shoot, some of them had ran along the aisles, giggling and dancing as they are not aware of the stoic ambiance of the president’s abode. They’re just kids, after all.

I wonder how big can the impact of politics be to a little child? Growing innocently in a crucial environment, they are not aware that they are absorbing the very essence of politics until they’ve fully embraced it once they come of age. Noting several political dynaties, most of the leaders we have today have grown in families that owned a portion of the state’s power, if not the whole state at all. What they are today is caused on how they were molded and what they were exposed to during their formative years. Yet, they once knew nothing and once they felt the gravity of power and influence they affirm it as their own.

I must say, if I would see something like this years ago, I might hate them. I must admit, I used to have insecurities myself. I hated people of influence. I hated people of power. These kids, like the ones I’ve known in my elementary years, have the tendency to be proud. They seem to have the right to brag, especially that they have the access to allies of wealth and power.

But, I myself have been proud. And that is the pride of the worm.

Yet, who am I to blame them? I have no right. Some of them may become proud of their heritage, some of them may stay behind the limelight, but we all become what is absorbed into us. We may become popular or notorious to the public eye but what really matters in how God sees us. He may or may not have brought us into politics but in the end, whatever has been lent into us, even the influential ancestry that has been handled down into our hands, will soon pass away. It will just be between us and the Lord. How we see ourselves into His heart is all that matters, for we are created only for Him.

Sadly, most of us do not see what we are in God’s eyes. I hope these kids will grow knowing the purpose they are made for. Indeed, one might say, “I believe in God, I go to church on Sunday, etc, etc,” but it’s not the rituals He’s looking for. It’s our relationship with our Creator and how close we are to His heart.

They are the same as I am: a people of worth and a people worth dying for. That’s why Jesus died on the cross. Now, I have to learn how to love them as my own for they are just like me: my Father’s creation.

Besides, I also have my own childhood memories of Malacañang. I had toured the museum part during our Grade 3 educational trip haha. But, nothing beats a good smile beside the nation’s Commander-in-Chief.

Can I say these kids are luckier? Maybe not. We’re all just the same from the start to the end. 🙂

music, utorrent

Pausing to be Aware of His Love

While walking to my office, I was facinated to see small butterflies flitting above a small patch of blooms and greens in a corner. Their existence in a highly-modernistic area seems ironic, yet having them in this noisy, fast-paced realm can be relieving.

It’s the same with right God’s presence. We are so used with the noise and the blunder this world create that we become numb of His love. Just like the butterflies of this small, grassy, patch, most of us would not take time to feel God’s embrace and comfort – or be even aware that He is longing for us. But once we stop, detach ourselves from the temporary glitter and dross of this world, if we seek His heart and His face we will be aware – and enjoy His presence much as I’ve enjoyed these butterflies.

Doing that may sound ironic – but this is the one thing that we’ve missed in so much of our lives: His love.

youtube to mp3, utorrent

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