Willing to be Illuminated and Pierced

Posts tagged ‘Spirit’

The Wiles of the Heart

I was so disappointed with a person I liked. He never considered my considerations. I blamed him for wasting my emotions over his sweet nothings. But there was no agreement, there was nothing really between us. They were all assumptions; I hated myself for almost falling for him. But a friend reminded me: what’s my purpose for wanting to see him? I need to check my heart.

I realized I was selfishly wanting to feed my earthly desire. It was turning out to be a fatal attraction. I did not realize, my Father was protecting me.

I was reminded by my spiritual mother that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). The world tells us to follow our hearts, but the Father tells us to follow His heart and His ways. The heart is so deceitful, for it is in our humanistic nature to be born with twisted desires (Matthew 15:18-19). Yet our own passions are so different from His desires for us. And yet His dreams for all of us are for our best, and our most of our passions and our dreams lead to the second best — or nothing at all.

I remembered how imperfect I am. Though I move with His Spirit, there are still so many issues of the heart that need to be addressed. With this, I have to die to myself again.

When I decided to surrender my emotions, I felt that a dark veil was removed from my eyes. My perspective changed. My heart renewed. I believe a part of His heart was poured into mine.

He made me see that my destiny is not as this world planned for me. This world just wanted me to take all, without asking the Father about it. It’s like being a rebel in a free world. But He reminded me that His plans for me are above that I dreams for myself. He loves surprises, I know. And I wondered how His dreams for me will be in His time. He’s teaching me to wait and to abide in Him as I do. When I do, there’s an ever greater blessing…and a big, pleasant surprise for me.

But in waiting, there’s pain. Pain because I’m tempted to be impatient. Pain because my flesh is battling with my renewed spirit.

And so I received revelation what my prayer means: Romans 5:3-5…”let me rejoice in my sufferings, so that it would produce in my endurance, then character, and then hope that will never put me to shame because of the love of the Father that has been poured into my heart through the Holy Spirit.” Such is the given Word for this season since last year.

To rejoice in my sufferings, I have to worship. There is real joy when I delight in the presence of my God. When His presence envelops me, these sufferings are nothing compared to His peace and steadfast love.

I remembered that it is a mandate, and a destiny, to bring His love and His kingdom down into this earth when I earnestly seek Him and call out to Him. In abundance, in trials and pain, His love and glory is above all…and we should rejoice in this truth.

So, what was I disappointed on? Oh, I almost forgot. The joy of leaning on His bosom and hearing His heartbeat filled with love just washed away the pain I had.

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Hungry For More Food

I’m hungry…simply hungry for more of Him and His Word. It’s like food that I will never grow tired of eating. It’s like honey that I long for its sweetness to stay in my mouth not only for a minute but for eternity.

This is the result when I asked the Lord for a deeper knowledge of Him; the thing that I’ve been praying for the past few days. Head knowledge is too shallow for me and too boring to live for. God is Spirit, indeed. And so He invites us to know and worship Him in spirit and in truth.

But one cannot worship and love a God if He is not known in intimacy and passion.

And so, that’s a part of my reason on why I had a day-off. I was too desperate to become closer to His heart. During my two-day excursion at the prayer mountain, I was expecting the Lord would reveal to me by showing Himself in a supernatural vision.

Not so…

Instead, He gave me desire to know Him more through His Word. Indeed, I was already moving into deeper waters, and yet, I was more desperate to go deeper even though the tides drown me in.

But I was appalled to find myself with too little knowledge of His Word – the very Word He spoke straight from His heart.

Reading the whole Bible annually is not enough. Just lately, I discovered more gemstones in His Word that I did not find before. They were a delight, you see. And yet, I’m still at a loss. I want to learn more and yet I don’t know where to start.

That’s when I felt the urgency to have my own mentor.

And so, I do have…but I have just met her recently. Wow, I do believe meeting her was no accident and the Lord brought me and my friend to her so we can learn more.

But my journey in this new season has just begun.

I’m delighted (and desperate) to be in another learning curve with the Holy Spirit. Aw, if those two days were years. But I don’t have to exclude myself from the world – I just have to learn how to cope loving the people in this world while I pursue the deeper knowldge of my Beloved Bridgroom God. 🙂

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