Willing to be Illuminated and Pierced

Posts tagged ‘seeking’

Reclaiming Destinies and Breaking the Waves

Twelve months. Twelve fruits. Twelve opportunities to undone me, mold me, and bring me closer to my real identity and destiny.

My 2012 was a year of shaking. The Lord was teaching me out of my stubborn self — to die from selfishness and to abide in Him fully. When my prophetic friend asked me what was the Lord’s promise for the past nine months, I was dumbfounded. All I could remember was the anguish and pain during those times. The emotional battles against the law and the lawmakers, the prayerful times shifted to complaints and mourning, my beauty nearly turning into ashes, my hope almost brought down to the cliff as I contemplated on resignation. I wanted to get out and give up. Yet, the Lord, who had other things in mind, held my sleeve as I let go of my grip. He had a promise, I’m sure He had — yet my ears were covered and my eyes blindfolded.

Yet, I faced 2013 with hope and expectation.

I still couldn’t remember what He was trying to say (and I haven’t even checked my old journal).  Yet, I clung on one word given to me almost two years ago: Romans 5:5, “…and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our heats through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

As I contemplating this verse a few months ago, the Lord led me to turn to verses 3 and 4. I never have this hope until: we rejoice in our sufferings, that it leads to perseverance (verse 3) and from perseverance, character, which leads into hope (verse 4)! I believe such is the word for me for this season. And such is the shaking I received.

Through these shakings, I realized a few more things at the beginning of this year, even though the nine months has been ended. Despite character flaws, I’m taught how to react in grace and love and confront with wisdom during dire situations. From my silent struggle against insecurities, I’m taught to reclaim the authority vested upon me as a co-heir in Christ. The most striking lesson that I’ve realized and am still learning (though it was said to me a number of times) is to worship him despite of the fire and testing that I pass through.

My friend told me that the shaking I’ve received (and will receive) are just part of His refinement. This is the time that I have to open my eyes and ears and recognize the Lord in ways I’m not used to. I don’t know what would that be. All I have to do is to ask Him. And see Him move in ways I won’t expect. I just need to open my eyes and my ears to recognize what He’s doing.

There are three kinds of people in the midst of struggles: one who gives up, one who shrugs his shoulder and get into that routinary “survival mode”, and one who wants to learn out of that struggle. The third one is the kind that grows. At this season, the nine month conception should be over. So, what I’ve experienced were just birth pangs. The full birth of one’s destiny is after the nine month period. But if not, that means I haven’t learned my lesson.

I just realized I’m just at the beginning of what He’s teaching me.

Get out of the boat and walk on water, he said. Goodness, that quite scared me. But should I be scared when I’m with the Silencer of the Waves? It’s a step towards acceleration. I need to get out of the box. And I need to ask the Lord ways on how to do that.

To ask the Lord on a daily basis is a way to die to myself. It will keep me from storing up pride as He breaks me with His tender love and awesome glory.

Then my friend gave me the a word that this year is the year of bearing fruit. Seeing in a vision a clock with twelve hours, it indicated that in every month I will bear fruit. But in order to bear fruit, I must learn a lesson. I must ask what the Lord is teaching me at this point of time. When the pruning and honing is over, a fruit will grow…but not only in one month. That means, I will undergo even more fire and testing twelve times!

I need to ask. I need to see. I need to know. Such are the things that I must learn. But most of all, I need to seek the Lord more. Only in Him I will find the answers I need. For He knows the plans for me. And I am claiming His perfect will and His best for my life.

I’m almost 28 years old. But this is not the end of my dreams. Who says life ends at 30? I believe I’m still a little child being disciplined and taught by the Great Father. Why should I copy to the normal trend of human life? The Lord has plans that are way out of my normal blueprint. All I have to do is just step out, walk on the waves, and hold the hand of the One who called my name. What are twelve months of pruning when I got One Great Dad to back me up! 🙂

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Living the Moment

To live by the moment is sweeter than living in a future created by the mind. And yet, it is only now that I’m learning how to live at this moment and enjoy life in its present tense.

By doing so, I am being a steward of this lent thing called time.

I have to learn it that hard way though, and it has to take so much altering of the mind.

Months before I’ve been moaning due to the “smallness” of the things around me. I envied the people I know who work in large entities. I lamented the lackness of our depth of our department. And there were so much imperfections in my entity that caused me to ponder on my resignation.

And yet the thought of having nowhere to go prevented me from doing so. It was a desperate and despairing season.

In order to release frustrations, I would meet friends outside the office. I prayed for an opportunity and an exit. But I was seeking the wrong answer.

I’ve asked the Lord when I will go and He was silent.

Instead, He gave me questions:

Why will you go?

He showed me my heart and I was ashamed: I wanted to be popular.

For what are you made for?

My heart broke: For YOU.

I was not made for fame.

With this, the Lord reminded me to be a good steward of what I have.

I realized I’ve been impatient and selfish. I’ve been expecting too much. I have forgotten how I had been jobless who despaired on having nothing and being given a job of my dreams. I was not thankful. I tried to create a destiny of my own. I almost made a path not in line with the Lord’s perfect will.

This, I’ll remember: I’ll do my best in this job, I’ll excel in where I am. By doing so, it prepares me to where I will go…to the destiny that the Lord has prepared for me. He has a purpose why He placed me here. There is no such thing as “smallness”, for it is only created by the world’s standards.

I still don’t know where I should go. But to be there, it takes one step at a time, refinement through experiences and crisis…if I don’t go through the process I will never be prepared if I’m there.

Thus, I have to enjoy and to live in this moment. I should not cling to a future that has not yet happened or it will never happen if I don’t live today.

One Hour With the King

I have written this one like two months ago…somehow I kept it in my cabinet file but at this moment, I wish to share this brief but blissful moment to you. I know, I’m still growing and I pray I will be hungrier for His love and presence.

I miss those one-hour devotions. Though I know I need to discipline myself to have some time with God within the day, only by His grace I can do this. Truly, it is not by might, nor by power, but only by His Spirit such can be done because though the spirit is willing, the body is weak.

One hour in a day is so important with the Lord. “Could you not spend an hour with Me?” Jesus asked of His disciples at the Garden of Gethsemane, which I believe are being asked of us, too. But because of our so-called “daily pressures” in our lives, we shift our priorities to less important things. I myself have the tendency to be obsessed on my work and become a self-proclaimed workholic, which is not really necessary because work was already done. But I soon realized it just drained me of my self-preservation and became drained of my spiritual strength and insight.

I started that one-hour (actually added with one more hour) today. I pray I can do it until it becomes an unrelenting habit – obsessed with His presence. But I pray it will not become a religious factor. Once religiosity sets in, we lose focus on the Lord. We are not born for religion. We are born for His love.

But one hour is not enough…and it will never be. Indeed, better is one day in His courts than a thousands elsewere…oh that I may stay with Him for eternity!

Destiny Seeker

There are really such times that I am tired with my own world. I’m tired with some of the people around me. I’m tired of the demands asked of me. I’m tired of living under a purpose not my own. I’m tired of the mundane routines that cause me to drag my feet to work. I’m tired of waiting for the great destiny set aside for me. But then, I would think again…perhaps, I am just too excited to see the prophecies foretold come into material in the wrong time.

When I was in grade school, I believed I had to achieve everything before I become 30 years old. I should be famous, I should have a book published, and I should be a well-achieved woman by then. Going beyond that age would mean I would have no more chances of becoming well-known at least once in my life – nor my name being etched in history.

But things get different as I aged. And yet, the Lord had shown me in different ways how He wanted me to be in His time. No, it’s not getting famous. Actually, I think these roles are downright unacknowledged in society at all. So, I kept all these things in my prophecy shelf. But because of my personality as a sanguine, I tried to wait though. However, I couldn’t connect the dots on how these things will happen in my lifetime. God had foreseen it and was already there before me. It’s just up to me to continue running and struggling to get there. It’s up to me to push harder the mountains that try to hinder me from getting there.

And yes, these mountains brought along little bugs that tell me to give up. Give up where I am now and take a dangerous short-cut to my destiny. But, oh Lord, do not let me listen to them. I must admit, I’m ready with my resignation letter. I’m in this road called lost. But, I’m also seeking the Lord. I really want to know His heart and where He wants me to be at this point of time. Should I jump the cliff or stay on the edge for the moment? I have to know…

I will never forget how the Lord spoke through a friend last time that I am shaken first to be a voice to the shaken. All these shakings made me hurt and offended. Oh, man, if I can just be emotionless just like Little Wonder or be your everyday hero just like Wonderwoman. But God is not looking for heroes or robots. He’s looking for real-life flesh and blood who will be filled by His Spirit during those upcoming great and terrible times. Can I fast forward my tape to that point in eternity? Nope. I have to go through the normal playing mode and see how His story in me will go.

The question is not: to go or not to go? But it should be to hear or not to hear. I’m ready to burst, really. But I’m also ready to listen. Which way should I go? I’m ready to take that step…to that path that I should take towards that destiny He has set for me.

Hungry For More Food

I’m hungry…simply hungry for more of Him and His Word. It’s like food that I will never grow tired of eating. It’s like honey that I long for its sweetness to stay in my mouth not only for a minute but for eternity.

This is the result when I asked the Lord for a deeper knowledge of Him; the thing that I’ve been praying for the past few days. Head knowledge is too shallow for me and too boring to live for. God is Spirit, indeed. And so He invites us to know and worship Him in spirit and in truth.

But one cannot worship and love a God if He is not known in intimacy and passion.

And so, that’s a part of my reason on why I had a day-off. I was too desperate to become closer to His heart. During my two-day excursion at the prayer mountain, I was expecting the Lord would reveal to me by showing Himself in a supernatural vision.

Not so…

Instead, He gave me desire to know Him more through His Word. Indeed, I was already moving into deeper waters, and yet, I was more desperate to go deeper even though the tides drown me in.

But I was appalled to find myself with too little knowledge of His Word – the very Word He spoke straight from His heart.

Reading the whole Bible annually is not enough. Just lately, I discovered more gemstones in His Word that I did not find before. They were a delight, you see. And yet, I’m still at a loss. I want to learn more and yet I don’t know where to start.

That’s when I felt the urgency to have my own mentor.

And so, I do have…but I have just met her recently. Wow, I do believe meeting her was no accident and the Lord brought me and my friend to her so we can learn more.

But my journey in this new season has just begun.

I’m delighted (and desperate) to be in another learning curve with the Holy Spirit. Aw, if those two days were years. But I don’t have to exclude myself from the world – I just have to learn how to cope loving the people in this world while I pursue the deeper knowldge of my Beloved Bridgroom God. 🙂

In Between the Lines

I hate mediocrity. Much of ministry work today have become powerless rituals in society.

I hate dictatorship. We have pushed ourselves to hard to do work without remembering The One Thing.

I hate commercialization. Our church today has become a convenience store for self-preservation.

I hate complacency. We have forced ourselves to stay in the level because we are afraid of getting deeper.

But I love to explore. There are more important things other than doing ministry alone. Remember Mary of Bethany.

I’d rather stay broken. I am not willing to preserve myself for the sake of pride. Remember Nathaniel before the King of Persia.

I love to take risks. Sowing much of myself will reap a bountiful. Remember Paul the Apostle.

I love to give it all up. If this has to be for the of becoming closer to His heart. Remember David the King.

I am not bound by tradition but I am bound into His intimacy. May the world discover such treasure. Amen.

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