Willing to be Illuminated and Pierced

Posts tagged ‘dreams’

My 2019 In A Nutshell

Greeting 2020 was a blur. I was choking in my tears as Mommy was wincing in pain. Her body was aching after falling down the stairs the other day. She was having severe headaches since last week. I’d tell her to go for a checkup, but she kept on saying she’ll be fine. And there she was looking sad and lonely while lying on the sofa.

I hate to see her like this. For days, thoughts were running in my head like annoying mice scampering to and fro on those newly installed cable wires. Add it with the situation that I am in. I feel so miserable.

The year 2019 has been a struggle to me. Financially, mostly. I’ve sacrificed my passion for travelling and my savings while trying to survive on what have. I have so many plans like fixing this little, old house that we have, buy an induction cooker, an oven, and a coffee maker and own a small car, but my budget was too limited for these big dreams. I felt so limited. I felt hopeless.

But this sense of hopelessness is deadened by some of the things I’ve gained. One of them is going to the gym. I’ve developed a new habit of improving myself and my health. I’ve lessened eating too much food. I’ve practiced drinking lemonade in the morning and having banana and yoghurt as my breakfast. I’ve made new friends, some of them famous, some of them just fun to be with. I’ve improved my social life. Sparta is one of the things that I don’t want to sacrifice. If only I can bring it back to my hometown. Maybe own a calisthenics gym here one day, if God wills.

I also developed the sense of improving my style. Treating myself at online shops made my life fulfilling in a way. I realized I need to make a wardrobe makeover because most of my clothes were about ten years or older. I don’t have to limit myself to almost nothing. At least, I can make some improvement to myself.

I started cutting plastic off in my life. I began owning my own collection of straws which I replaced when they got lost. I started buying shampoo and conditioner bars. I kept on telling fastfood tellers not to put a plastic spoon and fork in my takeaway. I made it my mantra never to buy bottled mineral water and brought my own tumbler at the gym. I brought my food container at takeaway shops. Greta Thunberg must be my patron saint haha. Kidding aside, I changed my habit little by little after being so fed up with videos of turtles and whales ingesting plastic. Plastic could have been a good thing if humans know how to dispose them well.

But most of the time I’ve been sleeping too much. The weight of ageism must have caught up with me. Lately, I would try to stay away from home from time to time. Some of the people in my hometown are annoying and bothersome (especially when they ask questions like “Are you married?”). More so, the situation at home only made me more depressive. But my mom is the only reason I’d go back home. She would always say she’s fine being alone, but I could sense she’s happier when all of her children are back home.

Because of some of the sacrifices I’ve made, I was not able to some of the things I’ve planned at the beginning of 2019:

– GoPro
– New fridge and washine machine
– Coffee maker
– Microwave oven
– Air diffuser
– Renewal of passport

I was not also able to buy blinds for my room at the boarding house. Adding up to the stack of this wishlist is a new phone. This one I have is driving me nuts.

I haven’t planned my goals for this year, and I still have a backlog. But I am claiming financial breakthough this 2020. I believe that the good Father in heaven has heard all my prayers and saved all of my tears. I believe that 2019 has been a test of my patience and a disruption of my pride. I believe 2020 carries a clear vision that is as hopeful as the daylight that looms ahead the horizon. I believe this new decade will bring about new dreams that will come into fruition sooner than I expect.

​Vacation Forever

My seatmate kept me awake on the bus by loudly talking on her phone. Smartly dressed in a light brown office coat, she assured authority as she kept on instructing her colleague to close an order because she was getting late to the office. She was almost slumped sadly on her seat while her young, tired face starred at the window longingly. She made a number of calls to her boss, clients and other VIPs. Her tone, which shifted from being demanding to apologetic to friendly and then strained, revealed that she was vexed out in her job. Her stressful aura made me think about my hierarchy in the office world. The first thing that popped up in my head was never go up the ladder. I did not want to become like her.
I never desired to be on top of the career niche all throughout the ten years I’ve been working. All I wanted was a decent job and a good pay. I had this fear that when I get to the executive position, I’d loose my freedom, my social life, and my sanity. 

I only had this ambition to get into heights when I took a job in a media company. I did get a high-end job as a segment producer in a huge media outlet. This was my chance to become a popular reporter! In the end, I was not able to handle the toxicity of this job. 

Every time I feel bored or jaded in a job, my initial thinking was to resign and leave this toxicity behind. I’d change gear in my life plans, believing I’d be able to survive by becoming a missionary, a YouTube star, a philanthropist, an artist, or a hobo. I envisioned myself living daily under a grove of coconut trees while drinking cocktails before a clear, blue sea in the Bahamas. I breathe the air of freedom every time I resign, waving my arms like a freed slave from a maximum institution. However, this season of paradise is being slapped down by the reality of being financially empty. 

I was struggling during the first time I’ve resigned. I tried venturing into agriculture but was not successful in culturing earthworms. I tried doing freelance jobs but I was too scared to face foreign clients. I thought of becoming a missionary but there was no confirmed calling. Being a bum made me a bit depressed for a while. My savings were almost gone. I had realized reality at its finest. I need to look for a real job.

This is a dilemma for most millennials like me. Unlike the former working class, our minds are not wired to survive in one industry alone. We have multiple choices to choose from and we want to try all of them. When we are forced into hard labor, we give up. There is a gap between the older workaholic bosses whose excessive hardwork was able to build empires and the young freedom-loving yuppies whose existence is fueled by an unrelentless sense of exploration, passion, and entitlement.

My mother always remind me, “A rolling stone cannot gather moss.” Perhaps we need consider well before taking an offer. We need to switch off our dreamy selves before we embark into a decision. We need to learn how to be patient, to persevere, to find joy in every circumstances. One day, we have to pass down every valuable legacy to the next generation. If we keep on escaping every defiance in life, the next generation would learn nothing but escape and the underestimation of reality. Life is not made of holidays and sandy beaches. I had learned this the hard way. I have learned that I would be able to pursue my dreams when I have the right resources and I am focused with an orderly life goal. But I hope every industry, every executive and every boss would learn how to value their own workers by not pushing them into toxicity. Besides, we don’t need pushy bosses and loads of work to prove our worth. We, human beings, are more valuable than the services or the products we could produce and deliver for this rueful world. 

Republishing: “Her Father’s Treasure”

From time to time, I love to look at my old works and “achievements”. I’m not bragging here. These are only to remind me that I can do better from where I am right now. I found this old clipping from 2005 (*gasp* it is about ten years ago!). I just couldn’t remember exactly if it was October or December 2005. All I could remember was that I did not expect my submission to be published.

When I was in college, I submitted an entry for My Favorite Movie in the Entertainment Section of The Philippine Star. My Favorite Movie was being featured weekly every Sunday as an avenue for readers to voice out their fandom on featured movies. Because The Philippine Star is a popular broadsheet, I was aware that my entry would just go beneath piles and piles of entries. If my memory is right, I had submitted my work through email either January or February 2005. I would not have been aware that it was already published if not for a college friend who texted me that Sunday afternoon.

I rushed out of the house after receiving that message. As the number dailies sold were already dwindling that afternoon, my heart was thumping as I rummaged through the remaining copies in the newspaper store. When I got one, I even had to check if the Entertainment section was there. Once spotting it, I paid for it and ran back home.

I never thought that looking for your published article was distressing. I even thought that page was missing until I saw it covering about a third of a page. Whew! All I did was cut it out and keep it.

I did not mind if the newspaper did not inform me or gave me compensation for it. What I was glad about was when the whole department heard about it and posted a copy of it on the community wall. *tears of joy*

See, college was a good era in my study life. I encourage you to pursue your dreams as well. Here’s the copy of my submission for The Philippine Star. I tried to make it larger for you to read. Hope it can be read well. 🙂

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Awaking the Dreamer From Within Through Dreambook

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I remember that day very well. My best friend and I were pouring our hearts out at a fastfood restaurant, right after our working shift. I was nearly depressed, losing insight of where I was going, boxed in our back office work. She talked right to me on having a goal — or on looking back at my dreams. In an unexpected turn, we began to write our dreams at the back of the small receipt. In it were five year goals. Where should we be after five years? One of those dreams was to become a reporter, being reminded that broadcasting is my first love. Five years after, it came, it was made, and it was done. 🙂

I never thought it would be. I had written loads of other dreams wherein we transferred to bigger sheets. Too bad,I couldn’t check on them for I couldn’t remember where I kept it.

The five-year goal has passed. Now, I am at the limits of my four-cornered world (again) but here comes another blessing in a helpful form.

Instead of a small receipt paper, I am blessed to have Dreambook. Joining its launch at the World Dream Day last September 27 at Powerbooks, Greenbelt 4, I was one of those who participated the activities with other dreamers who want to inspire the world.

Led by life coach Claude Sta. Clara, we took a review on the dreams we aspire, and take track on its progress. I got the best surprise when I was picked to have a weekly version copy of the Dreambook journal.

Now, the Dreambook is more profound and helpful than that crude piece of paper. In it are guide questions to recognize your strengths, passions, and your dreams. Like any activity book, it keeps me engaged, with its colorfully designed pages highlight encouraging quotes. It also gives enlightenment on what you may have missed or what you lack to keep you from getting to your dreams, and how to get rid of them. Aside from answering guide questions, you can keep track on where you are by checking your timely status. It keeps you focused on your goal — to fulfill the dream or dreams that you have been long keeping.

The Dreambook is highly recommendable for all. Everyone is a dreamer, and this defines our very purpose on this earth. These dreams are not only for us, but it will bless the many others. Our dreams can come into fulfillment when we pursue them, ignite them, and live them.

And so, I have entered a new dream — dreams, rather, in the Dreambook After five years, I would be able to look at the Dreambook, and see where I would be by then. After dreaming of working in the media a little more than five years ago, I now dream to work in an international media company, and have my own show.

You can grab a copy of the Dreambook at all Powerbooks branches in the Philippines. I guarantee that the inner dreamer in you will be inspired and will rise up through this life coaching journal.

A little glimpse om what's inside Dreambook :)

A little glimpse om what’s inside Dreambook 🙂

A Chase for A Tango

Dance before me
You shadow of fleeting dreams
Why run away so quickly
When my grasping hands meant no harm
I hate it when you tease me
Whenever I juggle nothing with my hands
Or when I stand immovable
Or asleep in my sacred hour
Why torture me with your presence
As if you like my company
If I invite you for a dinner tonight
Must you run away without taking a bite?
Tell me how can I make you stay?
I’ll be more pursuant than any lover
Even if I give up my last penny
To keep you is priceless beyond anything
Together let’s tango away
Away from this hopeless hour

A Contention of Passion


Sometimes, I feel like a passionate person living in the wrong place in a limited time. I feel that this world is too small to me and yet I’m too tired to get out of it.

I wanted to be somebody else. 

I belong to a generation that longs for more. Most of us have been well-pampered by hardworking parents who wanted us to get off from the tragedy of their hardships in their timeline. The sacrifices they made are what we have been taking for granted from the time we were born. And yet we wanted so much more…

Where to start and how to? I have no idea…

And yet, we were born with this kind of passion that is ready to burst anytime. The sad part is that we don’t know how to use it, ending up in exploding miserably. When the passion within us is used in the wrong way, it causes us to choose the wrong decisions causing dire consequences. We have been given choices, but we can’t discern which is the best for us.
 
Sometimes, I’d wish God would just give me a blueprint of my destiny. If only He’d lay out a map before me with easy directions like: go left, then turn right, take the six steps then go down into the hole, take a slide through the waterfalls and there you’ll find the prize. But God has given us freewill. We make our choices. We finalize our decisions.

But I believe this search of the identity of my passion is no vague issue. It’s just, God loves to give out clues and surprises. He already had a blueprint for us. We just have to ask — and trust Him in His answers. 

If you expect a layout of His giant blueprint of one lifetime of your destiny, don’t expect it that way. What God will give you are puzzle pieces…and each one is priceless. It’s just up to us to receive it, but we have the right to choose choice B, C, D and so on. Maybe because we humans might not remember every details of the whole thing in time. Our life’s destiny might be too overwhelming. It has to be taken step by step. 

Our passion is made within us the moment we were born. Our passion is connected to our destiny and our being. Yet, the directions that we undertake is part of a refinement of our character so as to be good stewards of this passion when released. In the end, if we discover for what our passion is for, it will bloom beautifully — not exploding tragically.  
Do I know for what my passion is for? I’m on the road to discover it. I love to do a lot, and yet I don’t know where I’d fit. Where will I go next? I’d just ask. If I’ll never ask perhaps I’ll never know…and I might get lost and my passion just wasted.

The Christmas Prayer Wall

Pasig City-20121212-00458 I was waiting at the production area when I saw these cluster of cards posted in a corner. Killing time, I idly came closer to read the hand-written notes and was surprised with what was in them.

The production girls said that these are their wish lists and prayers for the year. Most jotted down in bulleted form wishes like, “to have a baby”, “lovelife” or “house and lot”. But I’m surprised on how some listed “for my whole family to be saved” or “to become closer to God”. Knowing their character are all bubbly and very lively (add up to their fun noisiness), I was moved as I imagined how they must have silently reflected their wishes and prayers. But this corner, they said, is not exclusive to the prod people alone. They even invited me to post a card (but not a gigantic one, they warned haha :P).

I realized how it was long time since I dreamed the “impossible dreams”. I was moved in the faith these girls had as some of them added verses and declarations that the Lord is the God of the “possible impossibilities”.

With the everyday stress I’m getting into, I’m beginning to forget to enjoy life while anticipating and pursuing my innermost desires. I have forgotten how beautiful life is, as I try to go with the flow of the “urgency” of everyday issues. With the this so-called urgency, I must be forgetting my other dreams of making my own film or music album. When I think of these, I can’t help but smile — I believe that when God put such desires in my heart He’s leading me into a new road…much more a new discovery of what He wants me to be.

Yet, it is not too late to dream again. If five years ago, my present profession was just a dream, who knows that five years from now my dream to travel the world and reach the nations come suddenly. It just takes time and myself to just sit back, reflect, and ask the Lord to take over again the road where I should be going from here. 🙂

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