Willing to be Illuminated and Pierced

Posts tagged ‘decision’

Rebooting decisions

I’ve come to a point where I’ve been harboring regrets over the choices I’ve made. There are days when I wonder if I have been richer after taking up psychology or IT instead of Mass Communication. There are also nights when I mourn my decision to leave BPO to pursue the media industry. I could have been at odds with my former co-workers, performing as a manager like them instead of festering my wounds in my failure to become a famous reporter. The 30-year mark in my life (add it with two more years) is another milestone to look back and evaluate myself. What I’ve found was disappointing as I have failed my dreams, my ambitions and myself.

I had shifted from dream to dream as a child. I’ve wanted to become a teacher, a world-renown writer and illustrator, a TV reporter, an advertiser and then a filmmaker. That’s how I’ve ended up in Mass Communication. All I had was passion. I did not realize my college course would never define my final niche. 

I went from job to job. I was given a chance to work as a TV reporter and a segment producer in a small TV station. I attempted going up the ladder by getting into a bigger and more popular station but I did not survive its toxicity. I went back to the corporate world, still not knowing where I should be. Here’s where I’ve recognized the importance of practicality over passion. If I had forseen this twenty years ago, I might have been a richer and a more successful person by now.

But success cannot be found in money or position.

Isn’t it comforting to know that despite of all these circles I have been through, God has this promise imbeded in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I will never forget that peace that washed me like a cool river when I have made my full decision to leave the media industry. God confirmed it even more through other people. It struck me hard when I heard Kris Valloton saay in his teaching (which I will paraphrase) “It dosen’t matter whether we have failed our foremost plans because God still has plan B, C and so on…what matters is His purpose for us.”

I believe I am yet on my way for my purpose to be fulfilled as I continue jumping from crossroad after crossroad. Despite of disappointments, I keep on picking up gems of wisdom. In the end, it is not fame or position that will make me a better person. All these lessons I’ve learned in life will help me find my niche in this life, as well as guiding me to take up the right pathway to my destiny. 

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​Vacation Forever

My seatmate kept me awake on the bus by loudly talking on her phone. Smartly dressed in a light brown office coat, she assured authority as she kept on instructing her colleague to close an order because she was getting late to the office. She was almost slumped sadly on her seat while her young, tired face starred at the window longingly. She made a number of calls to her boss, clients and other VIPs. Her tone, which shifted from being demanding to apologetic to friendly and then strained, revealed that she was vexed out in her job. Her stressful aura made me think about my hierarchy in the office world. The first thing that popped up in my head was never go up the ladder. I did not want to become like her.
I never desired to be on top of the career niche all throughout the ten years I’ve been working. All I wanted was a decent job and a good pay. I had this fear that when I get to the executive position, I’d loose my freedom, my social life, and my sanity. 

I only had this ambition to get into heights when I took a job in a media company. I did get a high-end job as a segment producer in a huge media outlet. This was my chance to become a popular reporter! In the end, I was not able to handle the toxicity of this job. 

Every time I feel bored or jaded in a job, my initial thinking was to resign and leave this toxicity behind. I’d change gear in my life plans, believing I’d be able to survive by becoming a missionary, a YouTube star, a philanthropist, an artist, or a hobo. I envisioned myself living daily under a grove of coconut trees while drinking cocktails before a clear, blue sea in the Bahamas. I breathe the air of freedom every time I resign, waving my arms like a freed slave from a maximum institution. However, this season of paradise is being slapped down by the reality of being financially empty. 

I was struggling during the first time I’ve resigned. I tried venturing into agriculture but was not successful in culturing earthworms. I tried doing freelance jobs but I was too scared to face foreign clients. I thought of becoming a missionary but there was no confirmed calling. Being a bum made me a bit depressed for a while. My savings were almost gone. I had realized reality at its finest. I need to look for a real job.

This is a dilemma for most millennials like me. Unlike the former working class, our minds are not wired to survive in one industry alone. We have multiple choices to choose from and we want to try all of them. When we are forced into hard labor, we give up. There is a gap between the older workaholic bosses whose excessive hardwork was able to build empires and the young freedom-loving yuppies whose existence is fueled by an unrelentless sense of exploration, passion, and entitlement.

My mother always remind me, “A rolling stone cannot gather moss.” Perhaps we need consider well before taking an offer. We need to switch off our dreamy selves before we embark into a decision. We need to learn how to be patient, to persevere, to find joy in every circumstances. One day, we have to pass down every valuable legacy to the next generation. If we keep on escaping every defiance in life, the next generation would learn nothing but escape and the underestimation of reality. Life is not made of holidays and sandy beaches. I had learned this the hard way. I have learned that I would be able to pursue my dreams when I have the right resources and I am focused with an orderly life goal. But I hope every industry, every executive and every boss would learn how to value their own workers by not pushing them into toxicity. Besides, we don’t need pushy bosses and loads of work to prove our worth. We, human beings, are more valuable than the services or the products we could produce and deliver for this rueful world. 

The Forked Road

My 2015 has been a season of risks. I have been in the middle of two roads for time and a time, tasting the air for directions. When once I thought that the road I have chosen will go on as a single path, it ends up in another forked road which I have to decide again at the beginning of 2016.

I have chosen the former path because I had soured upon the old path of conformity. I had desired new learning and prestige in another field. Somehow my prayers were answered. But as I consumed these past few months full of tears and struggle, I need to weigh again God’s real plan for my life. Was this His actual will or just His permissive will? I had to decide. Perhaps, I am called to another path I have been running away…and turn there.

Still, from this strange path that I have taken I will carry lessons and changes that has greater purposes at their ripened time. Wherever I go and whatever road I choose, I shall remember never to give up, to keep on running the race, and do everything for God’s glory despite of suffering.

At the end of every forked road I face, the dawn arises. Whether I choose one or another, I know that I shall find hope along the way for my trust is upon the Lord, who never let’s go of my hand as I walk in this path of life.

Hanging In the Balance

Today, I have the tendency to walk-out of my job.
For the first time in my career life, I have lost my vision and my dreams. The stress and pressure in my present job has now gotten to my nerves. I am beginning to abhor making content for television. I felt I had the right to lay back and just take in what’s being fed into me.
It’s not easy being a producer. And it’s not easy reaching your boss’ standards.
Truth is, I want freedom. No bosses, no competition, just freedom of expression. However, I am limited by the modes of practicality: the need for work, the need to earn by working for other companies.
But in my five months stay, I feel I am not growing. I am doing the same mistakes.
I am now confused whether to continue in this job or leave and look for another one. I wonder how can I know that this job that comes my way is for me?
I have a few days to decide where to go. I hope this New Year carries a new beginning in my career.

Crossing Over

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It’s like dying. You are conscious of the things you are leaving behind. And the people who have been a part of you. You want to make sure you are remembered. So, you give these little objects — the useful and the bizarre — to friends who could use them soon enough.

My last week in this company has veen odd for me. I have not felt the surety of leaving all behind until I began to sort out my things. I remove mugs here and give them away. Pick the wallet-sized photos off my wall. Carry my most trusted notebooks from the dusty shelf. The moment I leave the table clean, the moment I knew my presence is detached from this place once and for all.

Four years of dirty desks. Four years of touching a world wild with national controversies. For years of struggling with dreams and frustrations. Then, this one moment of realization breaks the cycle. It’s time to go.

Why leave it all behind? For a breakthrough I’ve been expecting in all these years. For a shift that I am unsure how it will happen. For a destiny I’m about to cross over. I have sowed this four years with tears and heartbreak, of prayers and praise. And now this remarkable four-year ride is about to be replaced by an even greater adventure.

Thus, I give my bow. I am grateful, forever grateful, of what I’ve learned and loved in those four years.

Another season has ended. Another is about to open. I have crossed over. It’s time to conquer.

With these, may what I leave behind becomes fruitful, as I am about to be pruned again for the next harvest. With this, I bow, saying thank you for what I have become and what I shall become.

Living the Moment

To live by the moment is sweeter than living in a future created by the mind. And yet, it is only now that I’m learning how to live at this moment and enjoy life in its present tense.

By doing so, I am being a steward of this lent thing called time.

I have to learn it that hard way though, and it has to take so much altering of the mind.

Months before I’ve been moaning due to the “smallness” of the things around me. I envied the people I know who work in large entities. I lamented the lackness of our depth of our department. And there were so much imperfections in my entity that caused me to ponder on my resignation.

And yet the thought of having nowhere to go prevented me from doing so. It was a desperate and despairing season.

In order to release frustrations, I would meet friends outside the office. I prayed for an opportunity and an exit. But I was seeking the wrong answer.

I’ve asked the Lord when I will go and He was silent.

Instead, He gave me questions:

Why will you go?

He showed me my heart and I was ashamed: I wanted to be popular.

For what are you made for?

My heart broke: For YOU.

I was not made for fame.

With this, the Lord reminded me to be a good steward of what I have.

I realized I’ve been impatient and selfish. I’ve been expecting too much. I have forgotten how I had been jobless who despaired on having nothing and being given a job of my dreams. I was not thankful. I tried to create a destiny of my own. I almost made a path not in line with the Lord’s perfect will.

This, I’ll remember: I’ll do my best in this job, I’ll excel in where I am. By doing so, it prepares me to where I will go…to the destiny that the Lord has prepared for me. He has a purpose why He placed me here. There is no such thing as “smallness”, for it is only created by the world’s standards.

I still don’t know where I should go. But to be there, it takes one step at a time, refinement through experiences and crisis…if I don’t go through the process I will never be prepared if I’m there.

Thus, I have to enjoy and to live in this moment. I should not cling to a future that has not yet happened or it will never happen if I don’t live today.

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