Willing to be Illuminated and Pierced

Posts tagged ‘alone’

Answers Without Filters

My ultra introverted self has awakened again. I intentionally did not join the team at our company Christmas party. I honestly hate parties but what I hate most is partying with noisy, carefree self-labelled socialites dancing with a glass of fake campaign. 

It seemed I was born with Frank Senatra and Nat King Cole serenading me because I prefer quiet, coffee shop dates, painting pictures, reading books and lots of me time. Like my mom, I’d like to observe other people quietly, clam up my thoughts to myself, free up mental space from the jeje crowds and spend more time away from the colorful personalities that regress my opinions and thoughts. Sometimes, time is best served with self.

But I don’t know why unusual characters surround me. I wonder if my friendly aura or smiling face gives away too much. I am sometimes bothered with weird people who stress me too much. Perhaps I was entertaining them too much. 

A former officemate would message me from time to time to ask if he could borrow money. I’d politely say I would try next time, although I reallt don’t have much. It came to a point that he asked me if I had the money (yes, that casually). That was when I was triggered to say I was struggling financially, I can only budget my money for myself. Should have I said that in the beginning, he would not have relied on me. 

Perhaps, I need to be a little more straightforward to others. I’ve been acting too nicely for a long time. It’s time to tick my brain to give answers without filters. 

Escaping the False Dream

Felt like I’m in a dreamlike state. You know the sensation being in a dream while smelling the medicines in your room despite of having dreadful colds. After that you find yourself in a restful but desperate state on your bed. But in my case, I don’t find myself on my bed after witnessing the rush hour. I was already awake for a long time.

The terrible news is when you can’t hit the bed despite of being sickly. The dreamlike state is actually a reality in a guise, causing the hours turn slower than you could ever imagined.

This, my friends, is my dilemma for the moment, aside from the embarassment my coughs caused against my image.

I just had heard from church yesterday that we get so caught up with the “greater things” that we forget what the Lord really wants us to do. My standard of excellence is when I get my story right, perfect, all the important elements, interviews are gathered no matter how hard it should be taken. And this desire for excellence causes me to focus on the wrong things, forgetting that I should be taking a rest. Once I realize it, its too late and I’m already too off-balanced.

The madness of the rush hour, the speedy routine, and the game of perfection is a trap to forget the essentials. Actually, it is the balance of priorities that gets us to the top, not of a company, but in life.

And so, how I wish this realistic dreamlike state ends immediately. I can’t turn back and end my story now. I just have to move on and make the decision to redeem my health by taking an important element in life: REST.

Unsung Tune From A Bus Passenger

The way home, the way home
A cry for being alone
Lying between existence and numbness
Fighting the urge for obscurity

Lying among the colored throng
No one could hear my broken song
Out of the pains of a demanding day
Not one asked how I survived this way

A burden here and a weight there
Everyone thought I have no story to share
Do not demand a yoke for me to carry
If you do not know how much I am weary!

The day done, the day done
Could you not touch my limp hand
Or at least look at my tired eyes
And understand that I need someone

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