Greeting 2020 was a blur. I was choking in my tears as Mommy was wincing in pain. Her body was aching after falling down the stairs the other day. She was having severe headaches since last week. I’d tell her to go for a checkup, but she kept on saying she’ll be fine. And there she was looking sad and lonely while lying on the sofa.
I hate to see her like this. For days, thoughts were running in my head like annoying mice scampering to and fro on those newly installed cable wires. Add it with the situation that I am in. I feel so miserable.
The year 2019 has been a struggle to me. Financially, mostly. I’ve sacrificed my passion for travelling and my savings while trying to survive on what have. I have so many plans like fixing this little, old house that we have, buy an induction cooker, an oven, and a coffee maker and own a small car, but my budget was too limited for these big dreams. I felt so limited. I felt hopeless.
But this sense of hopelessness is deadened by some of the things I’ve gained. One of them is going to the gym. I’ve developed a new habit of improving myself and my health. I’ve lessened eating too much food. I’ve practiced drinking lemonade in the morning and having banana and yoghurt as my breakfast. I’ve made new friends, some of them famous, some of them just fun to be with. I’ve improved my social life. Sparta is one of the things that I don’t want to sacrifice. If only I can bring it back to my hometown. Maybe own a calisthenics gym here one day, if God wills.
I also developed the sense of improving my style. Treating myself at online shops made my life fulfilling in a way. I realized I need to make a wardrobe makeover because most of my clothes were about ten years or older. I don’t have to limit myself to almost nothing. At least, I can make some improvement to myself.
I started cutting plastic off in my life. I began owning my own collection of straws which I replaced when they got lost. I started buying shampoo and conditioner bars. I kept on telling fastfood tellers not to put a plastic spoon and fork in my takeaway. I made it my mantra never to buy bottled mineral water and brought my own tumbler at the gym. I brought my food container at takeaway shops. Greta Thunberg must be my patron saint haha. Kidding aside, I changed my habit little by little after being so fed up with videos of turtles and whales ingesting plastic. Plastic could have been a good thing if humans know how to dispose them well.
But most of the time I’ve been sleeping too much. The weight of ageism must have caught up with me. Lately, I would try to stay away from home from time to time. Some of the people in my hometown are annoying and bothersome (especially when they ask questions like “Are you married?”). More so, the situation at home only made me more depressive. But my mom is the only reason I’d go back home. She would always say she’s fine being alone, but I could sense she’s happier when all of her children are back home.
Because of some of the sacrifices I’ve made, I was not able to some of the things I’ve planned at the beginning of 2019:
– New fridge and washine machine
– Coffee maker
– Microwave oven
– Air diffuser
– Renewal of passport
I was not also able to buy blinds for my room at the boarding house. Adding up to the stack of this wishlist is a new phone. This one I have is driving me nuts.
I haven’t planned my goals for this year, and I still have a backlog. But I am claiming financial breakthough this 2020. I believe that the good Father in heaven has heard all my prayers and saved all of my tears. I believe that 2019 has been a test of my patience and a disruption of my pride. I believe 2020 carries a clear vision that is as hopeful as the daylight that looms ahead the horizon. I believe this new decade will bring about new dreams that will come into fruition sooner than I expect.